Day of Firsts

I started a new blog. partly because of the recent turn of events. my previous blog, if you care, is chelledmt.blogspot.com/ :)

Mon espace heureux quand l'espace dans ma tête devient invivables
My happy space when the space in my head becomes unlivable.
True, my fortress of solitude.

Cheerios xpand when left to soak in milk for too long. If you stare at them blankly long enough you can almost watch it happen ._. Also, the curious stares, whispers gossip morbidity of things become less noticeable when you are working on 45minutes of sleep in three days. And that my mom doesnt like it when she finds me sitting at the dinnign table at 5am waiting for breakfast. Ninety percent out of it and i'm still learning things.

This is the first time i have such a choice like this. Hand to God.. maybe there where other factors contributing to my decision. but its taking a hit on my self esteem.
I miss him really much. i do. but i still do not regret my experience at the camp. my opportunity of experiencing God. It is rare. Thank You God. Jesus. Holy Spirit. Mary mother. whoever is it out there.
When i first did it, it seemed like the right choice. now, as time goes by, im sorry to say i begin questioning myself in my head. i mean i feel great taking this great big step for the better i feel almost saintly, yadda yadda yadda, but when the euphoria and effect dies down, the doubt and pain and regret comes flooding in again. Now, wheres my morphine...

I admit, i do want him back. i wish a miracle would happen. and that i will somehow get to be with him together again. oh God please ii want him back. i know this is lame. i know im grovelling. but i just miss him so much.

One more thing is that im so sorry bout Kevin. this soul-sucking guilt. but i dont think i can bear being alone and shunned-upon now. to go tell him what i have to. sometime or the other. lets just hope he does not find out first... that would be bad.
Im sorry kevin, i know youve been through alot. youre a very strong person and all that. just stop messing your life up. i know its easier said than done. and youll probably say "look whos talking" and yeah, i deserve that. sorry. although sorry doesnt really help. its the least i can do. other than leaving you alone. dont get me wrong, youre truly a really great friend. and youve grown up and matured alot. its just that, maybe, we are over. this time. :) :(

And to you those out there, you know who you are. and you better stop all that shit before you get the slap you deserve. im sick and tired of being stashed under the microscope for so long, every action and thought observed and analysed, lies and half-truths spreaded like wildfire. Somethings gotta give before i snap, soon.
you all are like vultures you know that? its almost as if y'all are just watching and waiting, salivating for the nervous breakdown y'all are so sure that im gonna have, and have anticipated for for so long. y'all think that i cnt go through this shit. Well, watch me.